Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Zen, Potting Plants, and Being Hurt
Current mood: rejected
Wow that was quite a week last week, inside me anyway. Someone said to blame it on the moon, no one else had any advice. Today has had its better moments. I stopped to enjoy the moment at least a few times today and took the garbage out of my car, look at me taking care of me and being mindful, seesh. Yesterday was Tu B'Shvat, the Jewsih New Year for trees. My resolve was to re-pot all of the plants in my office, as they have all seen better days and were in need of some serious TLC. I just finished that task and I feel pretty good, it was so nice to get dirty and to give my time and focus to one thing. As for being hurt I can't deny that I am. I don't know if I have it in me to to get it out of me. A real catch 22 if there ever was one. Feeling so hurt makes me feel so selfconsious and weak, I am without the strength to see myself through the peril of this pain. Sometimes it comes back to the boat and hanging on, to being the wreckage, trying to blow myself ashore with the wind of huge furious hateful words, but they are so indirect that the person I am hoping will hear them doesn't even notice. I know somewhere inside myself anyway, that I can't wait for someone else, but when I try for myself I come back to the catch 22. I hope you know in even a small way that I am hurting, that you know the origin of my pain, maybe years from now when given the opertunity to evaluate yourself you will notice a hint of it in your life, in what you will be sharing with others then, still I am too indirect, but the closer I get to saying anything the more it just becomes a scream, profanity, fury. Really feeling with gusto is pure liquid hate, pain so painful that knowing it is not enough feeling it is not enough. Screaming, biting,spewing bile,until there is nothing left of me still wouldn't mend it. The zen of potting plants, the moment of such focused care, I hate myself too much to ask for it, but I need it so badly. My roots are so dry, the nutrients in my soil have been absorbed, I am wilting.
Currently listening:
Scent of LifeBy Akasha Project
Release date: 12 February, 1999
*hugs* I am so sorry some people are just so oblivious to others feelings. Don't feel weak though it takes strength to love someone. It also takes strength to reach out and open up to someone and I personally think maybe he is just not strong enough to see things the way they really are because he is afraid to deal with them. I know it is hard to be direct it is even harder when the person you are being indirect with doesn't wanna see things any other way than what they believe them to be. I wish I had some advice for you all I can say is blame it on fear. Fear limits us in everyway possible and it is a very hard thing to over come.
Posted by Melissa Merlot on Tuesday, February 14, 2006 - 11:36 PM
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