Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The vile truth of being touchable, ‘gifts’ of awareness, & wanting to cut my face off
Current mood:FAT & MAD
I am quite aware of my life at 22 stone!
(Thank you; NO I don't need any help remembering that)
* The vile truth of being touchable…my pursuit of human contact is so frequently beyond in vain. Duality comes back into play here, but it still feels so futile on both sides these days. One side, I fight them off at every turn, ache to be invisible. The other, I hold out futile hope that the contents of this wreckage is worth something, worth salvaging, that the contents has the ability to entice and romance. What this wreckage contains has no abilities it was only the ship that they were looking at and found never to be sea worthy. Here comes 'walking death'[?], how could I even consider procreating with that. NEXT!
* 'Gifts' of Awareness…If there ever was a gift of awareness I wish I had been given it was of my body when I was younger. Self-esteem. The abilities it had, the size, its overall capable nature. Instead I spent years wishing and dreaming about revenge beauty. That one day I would come back and show them all that I really was worth it, was perfect, and was dangerously confident. I didn't want a car when I was 16, I wanted liposuction. I would lay in my basement hidden from public gaze, and if my teenage wishes were granted the gaze of my family and watch TV. The perfect company, what I liked of it never judged me and I felt stellarly social without the chance that I might get caught fucking up. I remember laying on my back and looking at my stomach and thinking 'if only my stomach could look like this when I am standing up'.[?]The 'gift' I am talking about in this instance came years later and is still an infuriating bunch of horse shit! As I mention on occasion I have never been on a date (see previous blogs), but I have on occasion entered into fucked up situations with people that I have pretended might become relationships. One such saga lasted many years and has made for some choice self abuse material. "I am embarrassed to be seen with you.", this person said to me right before I was leaving to go to work and we had shared a bed the previous evening. I knew what they meant, and they went on to illustrate, "I worry about what people will think when they see me with you." Danger FAT girl in public! GROSS! I went to work that day and was more damaged then I had been in my life up to that point. I lacked the capacity to function, I had been truly broken. I trusted this person to be privy to more then a few otherwise dangerously private elements of myself and they chose to punctuate the sentence with, "I mean you could/should really loose some weight, I mean it would be good for you…" My personal contents is NOT news to me, I just naively thought that this person chose me and was enjoying me as I was. They saw me on multiple occasions naked with the lights on, in the shower, and well they just plain saw me and chose to be with me, I thought. I took this pain to my therapist at the time and she said something that beats on me to the day, "They gave you a gift…they have made you aware of your body…now you could loose something that you love if you don't loose weight…you should appreciate this person for giving you the gift of awareness." If this is a fucking gift (seeing as I walk around in this body everyday) I would like to exchange it; obviously I have lost the receipt.[?]
· Wanting to cut my face off…Lately I have been sitting around thinking about how I want to cut my face off. In one way what type of prosthetic I could make so I could slice my lip off and in the other way I am beyond frustration with some things and they make me want to cut my face off, you could still tell I am a woman, I have breasts.[?] The other day my brother was telling my dad about his day. He came to visit me at work and we went out to lunch. We went to Crown Burger.[?] ('You may be asking yourself why is she going to cut her face off over this?' it sounds like something that happens everyday) Yes I agree this is something that happens frequently. Folks meet up and go out to eat. It is the reaction that makes me want to cut off my face, "_____ eating at Crown Burger that is my nightmare!" What else can I say; I want to cut my face off. What I have felt many times over rolling around in my fathers head comes out of his mouth.
The wreckage is already underwater, I still don't understand how it caught fire, and why does it burn so long?
[?] 'walking death' is a phrase my FORMER therapist used to describe what people see when they see me. As I lamented my inability to make friends and meet new people, particularly in a romantic capacity.
[?] There should be more here about my relationship with my breasts, but that is for another blog.
[?] It is one thing to be called fat, ugly, shamu, 'careful she could sit on you', by complete strangers, but I chose to let this person in and they waited until they had put a down payment on the house to have it condemned. There is no way this is anything, but a gift of PAIN!
[?] Again further discussion about my breasts will be reserved for a later date.
[?] D, if you read this please don't be mad, this stuff is not your responsibility, I feel this way with or without this direct quote.
Currently reading:
The New Fuck You (Native Agents)
By Eileen Myles
Comments:
Well Put.
Posted by DeVanne
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thanks, I'm glad you understand
love,
e
Posted by e
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Not to be rude but your therapist needs a "gift of awareness" I can't believe she called you the walking dead. SCREW THAT! You are a wonderful and amazing person you can see so much more than just a shell which is what most people focus on is our shells. You know I have had men say that same thing to me the "I am embarrassed to be seen with you." FUCK THAT! So I am good in every other way as long as no one else knows about me and you never have to admit to me.
You are an artist and sadly that will disconnect you from the everyday stupid rat race which in the long run it is a plus but I do know how lonely it is. Burroughs called it the outsider's curse knowing how bad the inside is but still longing to be a part of it. Do what you want. If you wanna lose weight than do if you don't than don't. Don't let how others see you decide how you wanna look. I had a list of plastic surgery I wanted when I was 16 and a bank account to save up for it all. I changed my mind of course and I am very happy about it. Yes men still treat me like dirt sometimes but they do that to all of us pretty skinny big ugly it doesn't matter we are women and if we aren't what they have jacked off to a million times before or that girl from high school they never had a chance with they are gonna see us as wrong. You just need to find someone who is a deep thinker like you. I appreciate you so much and I totally trust your opinions on any creative level and I think your vision is a gift and you need to use it more. I want you to make art. My dad even asked me about that screenplay we were writing together because he liked the idea so much. We should finish it maybe make it a short and work in some new relationship woes hehehe. I love this saying and you should love it too. "Never piss off an Artist!" I love you and I think you are great the way you are.
Posted by Melissa Merlot
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thank you :)
I love you too :)
Posted by e
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Wow sorry that was kinda long. :p
Posted by Melissa Merlot
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Thursday, May 03, 2007
A Waste of Time
Current mood: blank
Content abducted from dipndot
1. If you were a color, which color would you be and what odd object would you want to be painted on?
ORANGE & EVERYTHING!
2. If you were an animal, which one would you be and would you want to be in a zoo?
Jellyfish & HELL NO!
3. What is one thing you can't end your day without?
Back in the day it was a quick diddle, these days it is a yogurt and the Simpsons.
4. You favorite thing to do on Saturday morning is...?
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP, NAP, man cat, & SLEEP
5. You hate this when you're in a restaurant and......?
I hate a lot of things…
6. You love it when a guy...?
Well apparently I love it when a guy is a sociopath. No umm I love it when a guy does my dishes.
7. Growing up you always wanted to....?
Be Spiderman & Wonderwoman
8. If you had the power, would you make the day longer or shorter? why?
Depends on the day. Some drag and some are just too damn short.
9. You would never date a guy who....?
Would I ever date a guy?
10. I would love to switch my life with....? why? (anyone other than your family or friends)
I dunno, lots of people look great on the outside, but their insides could be a total mess, I have enough of my own crap to deal with.
Currently listening:
Porgy and Bess
By Miles Davis
--
Friday, May 04, 2007
Friday's Big 'ol Waste of Time
Current mood: okay
Abducted without permission from some lame place on the internet because none of my usual time wasters have posted anything lately.
What is your name? e
How old are you? 28, sigh
What are you wearing? Black slacks, a heather grey t-shirt, choco sandals
What did you last eat? A grapefruit
Where would you rather be right now? In bed with Eddie Izzard
What is your current occupation? Accidental Librarian
What would you rather be? A crazy artist, rock star, robot who lives in a hut and can fly
What's the worse job you've ever had? Working in a sweat shop, I only lasted one day
What is your biggest accomplishment this year? I got a new job
What car do you drive? A 1990 Honda Accord
What car would you rather drive? Motorcycle with side car and ride public transit
What's your current favorite song? Bouge De La
What concerts have you been to? Lots, you can inquire if you would like specifics, but I have definitely never seen Grant Lee Buffalo
Do you prefer rain or shine? RAIN!
What do you do on the weekend? Sleep, watch movies, laundry
What is the last movie you watched? On TV "Point Break" On the big screen "Hot Fuzz", both fucking awesome in their own way
What countries have you visited? Mexico and Canada, I know big whoop
Where would you like to go next? Europe, Japan, or French Canadia
What do you like to collect? Lots of stuff, I have a pretty good collection of plates from places I haven't been to
What TV show are you addicted to? CSI (only the original one)
Are you happy with your life? Less then I should be
What would you like to see changed? How I feel about myself and the time that I give myself to make art
What do you like most about the opposite sex? I dunno I'm not really hung up about that I either like them or I don't
What do you hate most about the opposite sex? I dunno I'm not really hung up about that I either like them or I don't
Would you go skinny dipping? YES! (It does depend on who is there and just how illegal it would be)
Would you play strip poker? Nah! I'm not really that interested in poker
Were you a cute baby? I dunno other people say I was
What's your favorite website to surf? Lately I been going to Juxtapoz pretty much everyday and I am frequently dicking around on my space
If you could change your name, what would it be? I like my name and this is too close to the end of the quiz for me to try too hard
What's the best part about being young? Being able to not have to give a shit, really long day dreaming sessions that don't get you fired, genuine hope
Currently listening:
Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By
By Lovage
--
23 April 2010
22 April 2010
The Amazing Blog in which I reach May of 2007
I suppose I haven't been saying much as to why I've been having blog flash backs and I'm not sure there is much to it. Like most parts of my life maybe someday I'll be caught up.
--
Friday, April 27, 2007
Another quality waste of time abducted from Lola Girl
Current mood: complacent
1. How old will you be in 10 months?
It is so early in the morning to have me doing math L Umm let me think…29
2. Story behind your myspace song?
I don't have one on there, whatever I'm lame, yeah that's right.
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
Getting settled in a new place and going to LA and Bean Town.
4. Who was the last person you called?
Natti to tell him that I was outside to pick him up for the movie
5. Who was the last person to call you?
Natti to see if I wanted to go see a movie.
6. Do you prefer to call or text?
I don't have text, yes I know I am lame, but peer pressure will soon put me over the edge and I will get it. In theory, depending on the message that needs to be relayed I could go either way, but I am really someone who prefers to talk face to face.
7. Do you have any pets?
Yes, my furry Man cat Man!
8. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Sleeping, sigh, damn you morning job.
9. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced.
10. When is the last time you saw your mom?
Not last weekend, but the weekend before that for Sunday brunch.
11. What happened at 11:00 a.m.?
I dunno yet it is only 9:15am right now.
12. How many states have you lived in?
Three.
13. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
Three.
14. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Yes.
15. Are you a social person?
Not really, but sometimes it happens in spite of my crippling social phobia.
16. What was the last thing you ate?
A toasted breakfast sandwich on rye bread.
17. What is your favorite ice cream?
I flip flop a lot; it really depends on my mood. At the moment I would say Canadian vanilla with dark chocolate syrup and raspberry sauce.
18. What is your favorite dessert?
I also flip flop on that, at the moment I'd say strawberries Romanoff or crème brule.
19. What is your favorite TV show?
Of all time? Gee that is hard…I'd have to say vintage Sesame Street. Right this moment? CSI.
20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Strawberry or Raspberry.
21. Do you like coffee?
Yes.
22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average
I dunno about glasses, but I'd say 64oz or 2-3 water bottles full.
23. What do you drink in the morning?
Water and sometimes rice milk.
24. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes.
25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Left I suppose, but then it depends on the location of the bed.
26. Do you know how to play poker?
This question always seems to be on these surveys. As I said yes enough to play while drunk or with elementary kids.
27. Do you like to cuddle?
With my furry Man cat Man!
28. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Natti, Hot Fuzz is fucking fantastic!
29. Do you eat out or at home more often?
I dunno, I am sort of the ultimate bachelorette so I do both equally not very well, if that answer makes any sense. I guess I do have my one scruple, I WILL NOT EAT OVER THE SINK, I just go outside.
30. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yes and I have known her since we were 8 years old.
32. Would you ever get your nipples pierced?
Maybe. I was definitely thinking about it, but I am too lazy to worry about maintenance, and they are pretty cob-webby and dusty just like my other woman parts.
33. Favorite alcoholic beverage?
Fancy pants…a Harvey Wallbanger, Good Ol' Blue Collar…Miller Highlife: The Champaign of Beers.
34. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
No. Well maybe when I was a kid and we went on a field trip to see stuff, but I don't really remember.
35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
WATER, WATER, WATER! I LOVE WATER!
36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
Aisle, I get really claustrophobic.
37. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Yurp.
38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Art Supplies, travel.
39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
Not usually. I do wear my watch everyday, but I take it off at night.
40. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
They were all sociopaths. That is not totally true, but pretty much. Dammit I am such a mess.
41. Can you roll your tongue?
Yurp.
42. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Depends on what it is, but I am not the heavy weight I used to be. I'd say 4 or 5.
43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I have some special ones in my bedroom, but not in bed with me. The only animal currently allowed in my bed is my furry Man cat Man.
44. What are you listening to right now?
Swedish Lounge Radio on the Internet.
45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Yeah probably, I am a total packrat.
46. What is the color of your bedroom walls?
White with crazy crap all over them.
47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
Yurp.
48. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed?
Closed! There are monsters in there and alligators under my bed! My house is not a safe place at night!
49. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Can I choose tea and cake instead of death? I really don't like either option.
50. Do you flirt a lot?
Not that I am aware of. In fact I am pretty sure that I don't know how to flirt. Again you may hear a different story from all the sociopaths from my past.
Currently reading:
Permissions, A Survival Guide: Blunt Talk about Art as Intellectual Property (Chicago Guides to Writing, Editing, and Publishing)
By Susan M. Bielstein
--
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Crazy Intoxicated Crap
Current mood: numb
Crazy Intoxicated Crap abducted from Arthur "The Diplomat" Carter
(I'd buy something from his cart any day, woot woot)
MOUTHOLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?: Balsamic Vinaigrette or Blue Cheese
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?: I dunno I am a hot grease whore
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?: Samurai Sushi
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?: 15-20% When the service is good I try to tip at least 20%
What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it?: Sushi and Sandwich
What are your pizza toppings of choice?: olives and mushrooms
What do you like to put on your toast?: marmalade
What is your favorite type of gum?: peppermint
TECHNOLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?: I dunno and I'm too lazy to look
Number of contacts in your email address book?: at home not enough to take up a whole page, at work the entire university
What is your wallpaper on your computer?: Gomez at home and Hell Money at work
How many televisions are in your house?: 2 usually in use, 3 more somewhere in all my junk
Do you use a laptop or desktop?: Desktop
BIOLOGY
Are you right-handed or left-handed?: I'm a lefty
Do you like your smile?: I suppose I should after enduring years of orthodontic punishment
What's your best feature?: My washer and dryer
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?: teeth and some other stuff (I suppose if anyone is curious as to details I'll fill you in if you ask)
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?: Is anxiety a sense
When was the last time you had a cavity?: I probably have some right this very moment L
What is the heaviest item you lifted last?: Stacks of Books
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?: Not that I can think of
BULLCRAPOLOGY
If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die?: Na I'm good, I'm a big freak out spaz already I don't need any help.
Is love for real?: I don't fucking know anymore. I love my furry man cat man, no question!
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?: I dunno when I was little I used to write to my brittish pen pal as Camyl Cassidy, but I like my name and I enjoy being 'e' J
What color do you think looks best on you?: Dark Green or Blue, I usually pick stuff I like not what looks good on me.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? I wouldn't say it was a mistake…
Have you ever saved someone's life?: DO CPR manikins count?
Has someone ever saved yours? Probably, and I didn't even know it.
DAREOLOGY
Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000?: Fuck yeah, then I could tell Sallie Mae to get bent J Good Times. I would have to make sure I didn't get fined too much thought…I owe sallie mae a lot L
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?: Have, would, sure.
Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000?: Nope, I already have $100,100.00 dollars and I like my hands they do lots of important stuff for me J
Would you never blog again for $50,000?: Meh, whatever.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?: Sure. I bet I'd be big in Japan or Amsterdam.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?: Depends on the sauce.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?: As long as I could still play video games and watch movies I'd be just fine TV is crap anyway.
DUMBOLOGY
What is in your left pocket?: some lint
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?: yes/no
Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?: carpet and linoleum
Do you sit or stand in the shower?: Shower for standing, bath for sitting, ugh!
Could you live with roommates?: Been there done that, NO thanks.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?: a bunch, but I only ever wear my choco ones
Where were you born?: the shitty of salt
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?: Authority makes me uncomfortable, probably when I talked to the cop that works at Merlots hotel in the bar.
What do you want to be when you grow up? A competitive napper or an international design rock star celebrity robot
Who is number 1 on your top? (myspace top?) Merlot J
LASTOLOGY
Friend you talked to?: My Bro
Last person you called? My Bro
Person you hugged? My Monday Night Friends
FAVORITOLOGY
Number?: 7
Color?: ORANGE!
Season? Rainy
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone?: yes, sociopath, fudrotter, family
Mood?: numb
Listening to?: Swedish Lounge Radio
Watching?: myself type on the computer
Worrying about?: EVERYTHING!
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning?: The Bathroom
What can you not wait to do?: Go on a bloodthirsty fuck spree, one day till I'm all hopped up on hormones again! GRRRRRRRR!
What's the last movie you saw?: Hot Fuzz!!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!
Do you smile often?: yes/no/depends, I don't pay too much attention to my face
Are you a friendly person?: yes mostly, even if I don't really feel like it
Now that the survey's done what are you going to do?: I should do something work related that passes for productive.
Currently listening:
Hot Fuzz
By Original Soundtrack
--
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
A crap waste of time, feh, whatever
Current mood: blah
Content Abducted from Loal Girl
(caution I am surly and this wouldn't be my first choice in wasting time, GRRRR)
How many people have you kissed?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy Kissing? – Not enough
Peck on the cheek friend, family kisses? - Plenty
How many of those did you make out with?
Again – Not enough
Ever kissed someone you weren't dating at the time?
Despite what some might say I have never dated anyone, so all my kisses have been out of date-lock.
Ever kissed someone you'd met less than an hour before?
I think so, I drank a lot in college…
Of the people you've kissed, how many do you regret kissing?
Three, pills and swills make me do irresponsible things.
Were any of them in relationships with someone else at the time?
Yes.
How old was the oldest person you've kissed?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy….I dunno maybe 26
Friendie, family…95
How young was the youngest person you've kissed?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy…19 (when I was 17)
Frendie, Family… 6 weeks old J my furry little man cat man J
Ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)?
Only in a frendie, family way.
Ever been kissed by someone you didn't want to kiss?
Does impaired judgment count?
Ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone?
I don't remember, that area is quite cob webby and dusty these days. Maybe when I was in college.
...By your parents?
Nope. Although one time I was camping and my dad decided to show up like a turd to make sure nothing was going on, I was sleeping in a sleeping bag, next to a boy in a separate sleeping bag, OH MY GOD! Ah nothing like years of therapy…
Weirdest place you've kissed someone? (geographically, not physically):
No place that I can remember.
Ever kissed someone and had someone else get really mad about it?
But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! And the 'I'm not MAD' dancers.
Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath?
Nope
Ever kissed someone one of your good friends had previously kissed, too?
Yeah, this pretty much only happened when I was 'impaired'
Ever not known the name of someone you kissed?
Nope….well yeah family people at several big family parties I can think of
How do you feel about making out with someone with no strings attached?
There are ALWAYS STRINGS I am so CRAZY!
Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game?
Yurp
Kissed someone you didn't really like just to make someone else jealous?
Nurp
Favorite kissing position?
The one where I have my fist up your ass! WTF?!
Ever had a really horrible kissing experience?
yes, but I am a big girl and I made my bed and I have to lie in it L
Ever been called a bad kisser?
Maybe, the person I am thinking of said a lot of things, FUCKING FUCK BALLS L
Ever called someone else a bad kisser?
yes
Favorite spot to be kissed besides the lips that isn't below the belt?
I dunno I'm a pretty big weirdo so it depends on the moment
Do you have any kissing tricks/specialties?
I thought I coved that, it's the move where I put my fist up your ass!
Where's the most public place you've ever made out with someone?
My neighbors living room.
Where's the most private place you've ever made out with someone?
In my bed…I know shocking!
Ever kissed someone out of pity/just to get them to stop badgering you?
Nope…poo poo pity
Ever kissed someone for manipulatory purposes?
Nope, I am no good at shit like that.
Ever kissed someone just to forget about someone else?
Yes. The complete story is really creepy and it was to forget someone in a NOT sexual way, sad times, 2006 sucked such a big knob L
Ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone?
Maybe, I don't really remember.
Do you usually kiss on the first date?
I don't care what you fuds say I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE! There was that time that I didn't know it was a date (thank you senor sociopath) and NO NO NO I did not kiss on that "date"!
Ever kissed someone you later found out you were related to?
Never in a Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy way, Nope.
How do you feel about the girl initiating the first kiss?
Ok
Have you ever given or received an obvious hickey?
I asked for one once when I was in high school, it was extremely lame. I have never given one though.
What album/artist do you associate with making out?
Stereotypically…Barry White, anything else, I'd have to think…
Ever bit someone/been bit on purpose while kissing?
Yes, sometimes that is nice.
Would you ever kiss a drunk person that you knew wouldn't kiss you sober?
Depends on the person.
Have you ever kissed a member of your own sex? (or the opposite sex if gay)?
Yurp
How much money would it take for you to kiss someone you thought was gross?
Depends on your definition of gross, and how well I know this person.
Have you ever been propositioned for a kiss in exchange for a favor?
Maybe when I was a kid, in a frednie, family way.
Have you ever kissed more than one person within a 12-hour time block?
Yurp
Ever kissed someone after the two of you broke up?
Define broke up…depending…I can think of one person who I just kept kissing despite my need for self respect L
Ever stopped dating someone mainly because they weren't a good kisser?
STILL HAVE NEVER GONE ON A DATE.
Ever kissed someone legally off-limits? (a boss, employee, professor, etc.)
Nope, just obsessed about them.
Do you kiss and tell?
I am all cob-webby and dusty…I have nothing to tell
Age of first kiss:
17, I am a total SQUARE
French kissing is:
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy, FUN!
The worst kind of kiss is:
like a dead fish
The best kisser you know:
Anyone who will let me pull my signature move on them, ahhh the ol' ass fist kiss.
The worst kisser you know:
the dead fish from years and years ago
The celebrity you'd like to kiss:
Eddie Izzard, GROWL! And I bet he wouldn't even smudge his lipstick!
Friend you would like to kiss:
I don't go there, it is not a safe place.
Favorite movie kiss:
these days, the hotel scene in Casino Royale
Eyes open or closed?
Closed, depending on the kissing position of course, the deep ass fist requires intense eye contact!
Average number of kisses you get a day:
Does a manly man cat nose rub count? Human contact ZERO!
Ever kissed a friend's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Yes, I was in am impaired state and they were both in the room at the time.
The last person you kissed:
My furry man cat man, smooch, smooch
Do you consider kissing cheating?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy Kissing—YES
Family, Frendie --NO
The longest you've gone without a kiss:
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy-----TOO LONG TO KEEP TRACK OF L
The kiss you regret most is:
I have a few of those
Kissing in public is:
Ok, depending on the type and location, I still like to yell GET A ROOM
Tongue rings are:
Usually stainless steel stuck in a hole made in the tongue with a needle.
Two girls kissing is:
Ok with me
Two guys kissing is:
Ok with me
Is it troublesome to kiss someone with braces?
Never been there
How confident would you say you are when it comes to your kissing technique and abilities?
I'm rusty, cob-webby and dusty L
What's the wierdest music you've kissed to?
The sound of "The Critic" on TV
Currently listening:
Drunk with Power
By Margaret Cho
Comments:
Erika, I heard there's a new Will Power's recording coming out.
The first single is "Kissing with Confidence (with your fist up someone's ass)."
Posted by dan(iel) stetich
It is about time someone else recognized my delicate technique!
Posted by e
--
Friday, April 27, 2007
Another quality waste of time abducted from Lola Girl
Current mood: complacent
1. How old will you be in 10 months?
It is so early in the morning to have me doing math L Umm let me think…29
2. Story behind your myspace song?
I don't have one on there, whatever I'm lame, yeah that's right.
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
Getting settled in a new place and going to LA and Bean Town.
4. Who was the last person you called?
Natti to tell him that I was outside to pick him up for the movie
5. Who was the last person to call you?
Natti to see if I wanted to go see a movie.
6. Do you prefer to call or text?
I don't have text, yes I know I am lame, but peer pressure will soon put me over the edge and I will get it. In theory, depending on the message that needs to be relayed I could go either way, but I am really someone who prefers to talk face to face.
7. Do you have any pets?
Yes, my furry Man cat Man!
8. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Sleeping, sigh, damn you morning job.
9. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced.
10. When is the last time you saw your mom?
Not last weekend, but the weekend before that for Sunday brunch.
11. What happened at 11:00 a.m.?
I dunno yet it is only 9:15am right now.
12. How many states have you lived in?
Three.
13. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
Three.
14. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Yes.
15. Are you a social person?
Not really, but sometimes it happens in spite of my crippling social phobia.
16. What was the last thing you ate?
A toasted breakfast sandwich on rye bread.
17. What is your favorite ice cream?
I flip flop a lot; it really depends on my mood. At the moment I would say Canadian vanilla with dark chocolate syrup and raspberry sauce.
18. What is your favorite dessert?
I also flip flop on that, at the moment I'd say strawberries Romanoff or crème brule.
19. What is your favorite TV show?
Of all time? Gee that is hard…I'd have to say vintage Sesame Street. Right this moment? CSI.
20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Strawberry or Raspberry.
21. Do you like coffee?
Yes.
22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average
I dunno about glasses, but I'd say 64oz or 2-3 water bottles full.
23. What do you drink in the morning?
Water and sometimes rice milk.
24. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes.
25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Left I suppose, but then it depends on the location of the bed.
26. Do you know how to play poker?
This question always seems to be on these surveys. As I said yes enough to play while drunk or with elementary kids.
27. Do you like to cuddle?
With my furry Man cat Man!
28. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Natti, Hot Fuzz is fucking fantastic!
29. Do you eat out or at home more often?
I dunno, I am sort of the ultimate bachelorette so I do both equally not very well, if that answer makes any sense. I guess I do have my one scruple, I WILL NOT EAT OVER THE SINK, I just go outside.
30. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yes and I have known her since we were 8 years old.
32. Would you ever get your nipples pierced?
Maybe. I was definitely thinking about it, but I am too lazy to worry about maintenance, and they are pretty cob-webby and dusty just like my other woman parts.
33. Favorite alcoholic beverage?
Fancy pants…a Harvey Wallbanger, Good Ol' Blue Collar…Miller Highlife: The Champaign of Beers.
34. Have you ever been in an ambulance?
No. Well maybe when I was a kid and we went on a field trip to see stuff, but I don't really remember.
35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
WATER, WATER, WATER! I LOVE WATER!
36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
Aisle, I get really claustrophobic.
37. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Yurp.
38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Art Supplies, travel.
39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
Not usually. I do wear my watch everyday, but I take it off at night.
40. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
They were all sociopaths. That is not totally true, but pretty much. Dammit I am such a mess.
41. Can you roll your tongue?
Yurp.
42. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Depends on what it is, but I am not the heavy weight I used to be. I'd say 4 or 5.
43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I have some special ones in my bedroom, but not in bed with me. The only animal currently allowed in my bed is my furry Man cat Man.
44. What are you listening to right now?
Swedish Lounge Radio on the Internet.
45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Yeah probably, I am a total packrat.
46. What is the color of your bedroom walls?
White with crazy crap all over them.
47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
Yurp.
48. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed?
Closed! There are monsters in there and alligators under my bed! My house is not a safe place at night!
49. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Can I choose tea and cake instead of death? I really don't like either option.
50. Do you flirt a lot?
Not that I am aware of. In fact I am pretty sure that I don't know how to flirt. Again you may hear a different story from all the sociopaths from my past.
Currently reading:
Permissions, A Survival Guide: Blunt Talk about Art as Intellectual Property (Chicago Guides to Writing, Editing, and Publishing)
By Susan M. Bielstein
--
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Crazy Intoxicated Crap
Current mood: numb
Crazy Intoxicated Crap abducted from Arthur "The Diplomat" Carter
(I'd buy something from his cart any day, woot woot)
MOUTHOLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice?: Balsamic Vinaigrette or Blue Cheese
What is your favorite fast food restaurant?: I dunno I am a hot grease whore
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?: Samurai Sushi
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?: 15-20% When the service is good I try to tip at least 20%
What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it?: Sushi and Sandwich
What are your pizza toppings of choice?: olives and mushrooms
What do you like to put on your toast?: marmalade
What is your favorite type of gum?: peppermint
TECHNOLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone?: I dunno and I'm too lazy to look
Number of contacts in your email address book?: at home not enough to take up a whole page, at work the entire university
What is your wallpaper on your computer?: Gomez at home and Hell Money at work
How many televisions are in your house?: 2 usually in use, 3 more somewhere in all my junk
Do you use a laptop or desktop?: Desktop
BIOLOGY
Are you right-handed or left-handed?: I'm a lefty
Do you like your smile?: I suppose I should after enduring years of orthodontic punishment
What's your best feature?: My washer and dryer
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?: teeth and some other stuff (I suppose if anyone is curious as to details I'll fill you in if you ask)
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?: Is anxiety a sense
When was the last time you had a cavity?: I probably have some right this very moment L
What is the heaviest item you lifted last?: Stacks of Books
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?: Not that I can think of
BULLCRAPOLOGY
If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die?: Na I'm good, I'm a big freak out spaz already I don't need any help.
Is love for real?: I don't fucking know anymore. I love my furry man cat man, no question!
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?: I dunno when I was little I used to write to my brittish pen pal as Camyl Cassidy, but I like my name and I enjoy being 'e' J
What color do you think looks best on you?: Dark Green or Blue, I usually pick stuff I like not what looks good on me.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? I wouldn't say it was a mistake…
Have you ever saved someone's life?: DO CPR manikins count?
Has someone ever saved yours? Probably, and I didn't even know it.
DAREOLOGY
Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000?: Fuck yeah, then I could tell Sallie Mae to get bent J Good Times. I would have to make sure I didn't get fined too much thought…I owe sallie mae a lot L
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?: Have, would, sure.
Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000?: Nope, I already have $100,100.00 dollars and I like my hands they do lots of important stuff for me J
Would you never blog again for $50,000?: Meh, whatever.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?: Sure. I bet I'd be big in Japan or Amsterdam.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?: Depends on the sauce.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?: As long as I could still play video games and watch movies I'd be just fine TV is crap anyway.
DUMBOLOGY
What is in your left pocket?: some lint
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?: yes/no
Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?: carpet and linoleum
Do you sit or stand in the shower?: Shower for standing, bath for sitting, ugh!
Could you live with roommates?: Been there done that, NO thanks.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?: a bunch, but I only ever wear my choco ones
Where were you born?: the shitty of salt
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?: Authority makes me uncomfortable, probably when I talked to the cop that works at Merlots hotel in the bar.
What do you want to be when you grow up? A competitive napper or an international design rock star celebrity robot
Who is number 1 on your top? (myspace top?) Merlot J
LASTOLOGY
Friend you talked to?: My Bro
Last person you called? My Bro
Person you hugged? My Monday Night Friends
FAVORITOLOGY
Number?: 7
Color?: ORANGE!
Season? Rainy
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone?: yes, sociopath, fudrotter, family
Mood?: numb
Listening to?: Swedish Lounge Radio
Watching?: myself type on the computer
Worrying about?: EVERYTHING!
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning?: The Bathroom
What can you not wait to do?: Go on a bloodthirsty fuck spree, one day till I'm all hopped up on hormones again! GRRRRRRRR!
What's the last movie you saw?: Hot Fuzz!!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!
Do you smile often?: yes/no/depends, I don't pay too much attention to my face
Are you a friendly person?: yes mostly, even if I don't really feel like it
Now that the survey's done what are you going to do?: I should do something work related that passes for productive.
Currently listening:
Hot Fuzz
By Original Soundtrack
--
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
A crap waste of time, feh, whatever
Current mood: blah
Content Abducted from Loal Girl
(caution I am surly and this wouldn't be my first choice in wasting time, GRRRR)
How many people have you kissed?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy Kissing? – Not enough
Peck on the cheek friend, family kisses? - Plenty
How many of those did you make out with?
Again – Not enough
Ever kissed someone you weren't dating at the time?
Despite what some might say I have never dated anyone, so all my kisses have been out of date-lock.
Ever kissed someone you'd met less than an hour before?
I think so, I drank a lot in college…
Of the people you've kissed, how many do you regret kissing?
Three, pills and swills make me do irresponsible things.
Were any of them in relationships with someone else at the time?
Yes.
How old was the oldest person you've kissed?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy….I dunno maybe 26
Friendie, family…95
How young was the youngest person you've kissed?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy…19 (when I was 17)
Frendie, Family… 6 weeks old J my furry little man cat man J
Ever been kissed by a legal adult when you were a minor (or vise-versa)?
Only in a frendie, family way.
Ever been kissed by someone you didn't want to kiss?
Does impaired judgment count?
Ever been walked in on while you were making out with someone?
I don't remember, that area is quite cob webby and dusty these days. Maybe when I was in college.
...By your parents?
Nope. Although one time I was camping and my dad decided to show up like a turd to make sure nothing was going on, I was sleeping in a sleeping bag, next to a boy in a separate sleeping bag, OH MY GOD! Ah nothing like years of therapy…
Weirdest place you've kissed someone? (geographically, not physically):
No place that I can remember.
Ever kissed someone and had someone else get really mad about it?
But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! But I'm not MAD! And the 'I'm not MAD' dancers.
Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath?
Nope
Ever kissed someone one of your good friends had previously kissed, too?
Yeah, this pretty much only happened when I was 'impaired'
Ever not known the name of someone you kissed?
Nope….well yeah family people at several big family parties I can think of
How do you feel about making out with someone with no strings attached?
There are ALWAYS STRINGS I am so CRAZY!
Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game?
Yurp
Kissed someone you didn't really like just to make someone else jealous?
Nurp
Favorite kissing position?
The one where I have my fist up your ass! WTF?!
Ever had a really horrible kissing experience?
yes, but I am a big girl and I made my bed and I have to lie in it L
Ever been called a bad kisser?
Maybe, the person I am thinking of said a lot of things, FUCKING FUCK BALLS L
Ever called someone else a bad kisser?
yes
Favorite spot to be kissed besides the lips that isn't below the belt?
I dunno I'm a pretty big weirdo so it depends on the moment
Do you have any kissing tricks/specialties?
I thought I coved that, it's the move where I put my fist up your ass!
Where's the most public place you've ever made out with someone?
My neighbors living room.
Where's the most private place you've ever made out with someone?
In my bed…I know shocking!
Ever kissed someone out of pity/just to get them to stop badgering you?
Nope…poo poo pity
Ever kissed someone for manipulatory purposes?
Nope, I am no good at shit like that.
Ever kissed someone just to forget about someone else?
Yes. The complete story is really creepy and it was to forget someone in a NOT sexual way, sad times, 2006 sucked such a big knob L
Ever thought of someone else while you were kissing someone?
Maybe, I don't really remember.
Do you usually kiss on the first date?
I don't care what you fuds say I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE! There was that time that I didn't know it was a date (thank you senor sociopath) and NO NO NO I did not kiss on that "date"!
Ever kissed someone you later found out you were related to?
Never in a Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy way, Nope.
How do you feel about the girl initiating the first kiss?
Ok
Have you ever given or received an obvious hickey?
I asked for one once when I was in high school, it was extremely lame. I have never given one though.
What album/artist do you associate with making out?
Stereotypically…Barry White, anything else, I'd have to think…
Ever bit someone/been bit on purpose while kissing?
Yes, sometimes that is nice.
Would you ever kiss a drunk person that you knew wouldn't kiss you sober?
Depends on the person.
Have you ever kissed a member of your own sex? (or the opposite sex if gay)?
Yurp
How much money would it take for you to kiss someone you thought was gross?
Depends on your definition of gross, and how well I know this person.
Have you ever been propositioned for a kiss in exchange for a favor?
Maybe when I was a kid, in a frednie, family way.
Have you ever kissed more than one person within a 12-hour time block?
Yurp
Ever kissed someone after the two of you broke up?
Define broke up…depending…I can think of one person who I just kept kissing despite my need for self respect L
Ever stopped dating someone mainly because they weren't a good kisser?
STILL HAVE NEVER GONE ON A DATE.
Ever kissed someone legally off-limits? (a boss, employee, professor, etc.)
Nope, just obsessed about them.
Do you kiss and tell?
I am all cob-webby and dusty…I have nothing to tell
Age of first kiss:
17, I am a total SQUARE
French kissing is:
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy, FUN!
The worst kind of kiss is:
like a dead fish
The best kisser you know:
Anyone who will let me pull my signature move on them, ahhh the ol' ass fist kiss.
The worst kisser you know:
the dead fish from years and years ago
The celebrity you'd like to kiss:
Eddie Izzard, GROWL! And I bet he wouldn't even smudge his lipstick!
Friend you would like to kiss:
I don't go there, it is not a safe place.
Favorite movie kiss:
these days, the hotel scene in Casino Royale
Eyes open or closed?
Closed, depending on the kissing position of course, the deep ass fist requires intense eye contact!
Average number of kisses you get a day:
Does a manly man cat nose rub count? Human contact ZERO!
Ever kissed a friend's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Yes, I was in am impaired state and they were both in the room at the time.
The last person you kissed:
My furry man cat man, smooch, smooch
Do you consider kissing cheating?
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy Kissing—YES
Family, Frendie --NO
The longest you've gone without a kiss:
Dirty, Nasty, Raunchy-----TOO LONG TO KEEP TRACK OF L
The kiss you regret most is:
I have a few of those
Kissing in public is:
Ok, depending on the type and location, I still like to yell GET A ROOM
Tongue rings are:
Usually stainless steel stuck in a hole made in the tongue with a needle.
Two girls kissing is:
Ok with me
Two guys kissing is:
Ok with me
Is it troublesome to kiss someone with braces?
Never been there
How confident would you say you are when it comes to your kissing technique and abilities?
I'm rusty, cob-webby and dusty L
What's the wierdest music you've kissed to?
The sound of "The Critic" on TV
Currently listening:
Drunk with Power
By Margaret Cho
Comments:
Erika, I heard there's a new Will Power's recording coming out.
The first single is "Kissing with Confidence (with your fist up someone's ass)."
Posted by dan(iel) stetich
It is about time someone else recognized my delicate technique!
Posted by e
19 April 2010
3 years ago I was hired at the Marriott Library...more April '07
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Duality, Dunces, & Playing it Safe
Current mood: uncomfortable
Note: Still 22 Stone
Duality…
I get hung up on this all the time. I am both my parents by nature and nurture(additional notation on this in previous blogs). I recognize my internal division in so many ways….currently it is in a pretty frivolous and poppy cultural way, but I am sure with proper dissection by someone other then me (since I am not all that interested…at least half of me is totally not interested) an amazing connection to archetypes in some smarty pants way will be SO obvious. I have been watching the same flick over and over again…if you know me that is nothing new, if I get stuck on something I can watch it until I wear the tape out…current flick Casino Royale. I have always enjoyed a good Bond movie, but I am reaching that point where the repetition should really be scratching my OCD creepy introvert itch and instead my warped little grey cells are questioning why I am so on the fence about what attracts me to this type of scenario and why it somehow works so well for me. I am attracted to the idea of being Bond and to Bond and I am attracted to the idea of being the Bond Girl and to the Bond Girl.
When I was a kid I could never make up my mind who I wanted to be; did I want to be Spiderman or Wonder Woman.
I guess I am still there.
Dunces…
Yup people can be pretty stupid and diluted, myself included without exception.
Dunce(noun): One backward in book learning; a person dull or weak in intellect; a dullard; a dolt.
In french: cancre
Playing it Safe…
I just want someone to eat fresh ocotpus in a korean fish market with me, tear up Vegas, camp frequently in Capitol Reef, and travel to Belgium because beer fucking just happenes there! (the list may or may not continue, some references can be found in the rainmoonsun blogs of late)
Safety in numbers? Safety all alone. I got scared and tired of what's out there before I ever really gave it a chance (I don't really have anyone/anything to blame except myself, but I do it anyway) hope is such a dirty word.
Currently watching: Casino Royale
--
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Quality Waste of Time
Current mood: lethargic
Content Adbucted from LolaGirl
[ NOW ]
Current mood: existential and sleepy
Current music: Swedish Lounge Radio
Current taste: Orbit Lemon-Lime Chewing Gum
Current hair: Lazy with a high chance of pie-rats
Current clothes: Mauve thing with a zipper, light blue shirt, black slacks, and new balance sneakers(not stylish ones, but comfortable)
Current annoyance: being reminded of an impending visit ot the dentist
Current smell: books, lots of books :)
Current thing: overpriced uber cell phone lust
Current windows open: none. I am in the hermedically sealed library locked case
Current desktop picture: hell money
Current favorite band: Gomez
Current book: "The Basic Eight" for pleasure, and "Interactive Oral History Interviewing" for business.
Current cd in stereo: Humm...I usually just listen to stuff on the internet or computer and computer accessories, but the last CD I put in my CD player was Soul Coughing, El Oso
Current crush: Ol' Fuck Balls and for no good reason Jake
Current favorite celeb: Eddie Izzard!
[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: Not so much.
Do drugs?: Yes/No
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Giant Mushrooms and Anxiety Dreams
Remember your first love?: yes. why do I love sociopaths?
Still love him/her?: no
Read the newspaper?: NY Times and Online News, but only sometimes.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yup.
Believe in miracles?: Yes/No
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: In that I am like a lobster.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: It takes different strokes to move the world.
Consider love a mistake?: No/Yes, kind of. I am good at being in love with ideas and not poeple, that sucks.
Like the taste of alcohol?: Some yes, some not anymore :(
Have a favorite candy?: Swedish Fish or Dark DARK Choclate
Believe in astrology?: Yes, see previous blogs.
Believe in magic?: I am really hung up on magicians, does that count?
Believe in god?: I believe in the sky.
Have any pets: Yes. My furry Man cat Man :)
Go to or plan to go to college: I have two very expensive peices of paper that say I already did that, twice.
Have any piercings?: nope
Have any tattoos?: not at the moment
Hate yourself: when I have time to think about it, yes
Have an obsession?: Lots I am pretty obessive/compulsive
Have a secret crush?: No but I could use one to obess over.
Have a best friend?: yes
Wish on stars?: I have, but it has been a while since I have been out to the desert to see any.
[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: yes
When did you lose your virginity?: I only misplaced it, but I know right where it is, getting all cob-webby and dusty on my shelf.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: No/Yes
Do you believe in "the one?": I thought that wasn't a very good movie.
Describe your ideal significant other: quirky, unique, a boderline mutant, perhaps an exeuctive transvestite, someone who will eat fresh octopus at a korean fish market with me.
[ETC]
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: yes. I wore a lot of layers.
Have you ever been intoxicated?: yes
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": I am always doing something. What the fuck does that mean, I don't like beating around the bush, get right to it and ask a real question!
Are you a tease?: I don't think so, but some of the sociopaths in my past might disagree
Shy to make the first move?: OH YEAH!
[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: frizzy, aburn, long, alomst always in a bun
Eyes: green
Height: 5'6"
[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: a ceasar salad for lunch today
Ate & Drank: a choclate milk and a toasted bagel with salmon cream cheese
Read: work e-mail and my space comments
Watched on TV: fell asleep to Casino Royal DVD
[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: Beer
drinks or shots: depends on the goal of the evening
cats or dogs: cat furry MAN cat :) if I could have a dog it would be a big shnuggly husky doggie uff uff.
single or taken: single like a dirty dolla
pen or pencil: spiderman pencils and irritaring yellow highlighter marker.
gloves or mittens: gloves, mittens feel funny
food or candy: isn't candy a type of food?
cassette or cd: I love my cassettes, but I am pretty attached to my music hard drive. I also really LOVE records.
coke or pepsi: if I have to choose coke, but I am not a big soda person
[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: I am pretty much down for peace, but i get in moods where my favorite phrase is "i'll kill you!"or feeling like I want to kill it and fuck it and fuck it and kill it.
get really wasted with: Melissa, we make fun art :)
look like: Greta Garbo not Lizzy Borden (google her, it's a little creepy)
avoid: fuds, puds, and all persons with bad intentions
[ LAST PERSON YOU.. ]
saw: guy who works at the desk in front of my office, but whose name I still can't remember
talked to on the phone: D
hugged: my monday night friends
instant messaged: Melissa
kissed: my Dad
[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: Yes, I think we already covered that.
Done drugs?: I am sticking with yes/no
Broken the law?: not recently I am a big spaz and authority makes me REALLY uneasy
Run away from home?: nope
Broken a bone?: nope
Played Truth Or Dare?: yes, but it was that lame girl talk game and I have other times all with limited and pretty much no fun results
Kissed someone you didn't know?: nope, but I have seen a lot of semi-anonmous penis...long story (at least in most cases..dun dun ching...untimante rim shot.)
Been in a fight?: Not physically, but I used to do a lot of screaming and yelling. I rarely won.
Come close to dying?: I choked on an ice cube when I was a baby, I dunno if that really counts, and one time I was in a car that alost rolled onto the freeway into on coming traffic, that is probibly the only official I almost died moment.
[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: a huge fucking mess with a lot of neat things to look at.
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: breakfast sandie and a mocha latte
Your favorite restaurant?: It's hard to pick depends on my mood, I love sushi and sandwich.
What's on your bedside table?: a lamp from my aunts house, my huge alarm clock that I have had forever, various remote controls, recent bills, a sponge bob squarepants magic eight ball toy, and an inhaler
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: yogurt or leftovers depending. I drink a lot of water.
What is your biggest fear?: vanishing
Describe your bed: the most frequently used place in my house
Spontaneous or plain?: half and half I am split down the middle
Do you know how to play poker?: enough to play when drunk or with elementary kids.
What do you carry with you at all times? most of the time wallet house keys cell phone digital music thingie chap stick and a pen, work days a big bag'o'crap books, paper, etc
How do you drive? alright I use my turn signal which is more then I can say for most people
What do you miss most about being little? a lot of things
Are you happy with your given name? yes
What color is your bedroom? white walls, natural wood trim, and crazy crap all over the place.
Have you ever been in a play? only on the crew. In the back in all black baby!
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? No, anynone can be annoying.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Yeah, even if sometimes I don't want to be.
Currently reading: The Basic Eight: A Novel By Daniel Handler
--
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The trouble with natural red…..
Current mood: frustrated
I'm crazy it's like a visual pheromone or something. I just see it and boom starts the hang up, god I am such a mess, why can't my sponge bob eight ball straighten my life out once and for all?!
Currently listening: The Best of Bollywood
--
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Doing Nothing and Nothing Doin’
Current mood: lethargic
There was a fox walking around on campus the other day. I seemed to be the only person fazed by this. It was a fox walking west by the stadium in the middle of the afternoon. I am I the only one who is totally suburbananized and therefore a little freaked out when I see something that I have only previously seen in books or at the zoo walking down the street.
I feel pretty out of sorts today like I just want to curl up and take a nap under my desk, time is running backwards and I am so tired. My head is already telling me that it is Friday. I am having a hard time deviating from my plan which was run asunder because I was supposed to meet with someone this afternoon and they called in sick. I am feeling totally incapable of coming up with a back up plan. It's weird anti-social spring fever.
I had other deep thoughts earlier, but I can't seem to remember things between mouse clicks anymore. I am aching to feel productive, but only through the power of magic, not anything useful or tangible. I suppose that is part of this epic that I am trying to do something to feel like I am doing something. Idle hands and all…
Sigh…
Currently listening: Rogue's Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs, and Chanteys
--
Duality, Dunces, & Playing it Safe
Current mood: uncomfortable
Note: Still 22 Stone
Duality…
I get hung up on this all the time. I am both my parents by nature and nurture(additional notation on this in previous blogs). I recognize my internal division in so many ways….currently it is in a pretty frivolous and poppy cultural way, but I am sure with proper dissection by someone other then me (since I am not all that interested…at least half of me is totally not interested) an amazing connection to archetypes in some smarty pants way will be SO obvious. I have been watching the same flick over and over again…if you know me that is nothing new, if I get stuck on something I can watch it until I wear the tape out…current flick Casino Royale. I have always enjoyed a good Bond movie, but I am reaching that point where the repetition should really be scratching my OCD creepy introvert itch and instead my warped little grey cells are questioning why I am so on the fence about what attracts me to this type of scenario and why it somehow works so well for me. I am attracted to the idea of being Bond and to Bond and I am attracted to the idea of being the Bond Girl and to the Bond Girl.
When I was a kid I could never make up my mind who I wanted to be; did I want to be Spiderman or Wonder Woman.
I guess I am still there.
Dunces…
Yup people can be pretty stupid and diluted, myself included without exception.
Dunce(noun): One backward in book learning; a person dull or weak in intellect; a dullard; a dolt.
In french: cancre
Playing it Safe…
I just want someone to eat fresh ocotpus in a korean fish market with me, tear up Vegas, camp frequently in Capitol Reef, and travel to Belgium because beer fucking just happenes there! (the list may or may not continue, some references can be found in the rainmoonsun blogs of late)
Safety in numbers? Safety all alone. I got scared and tired of what's out there before I ever really gave it a chance (I don't really have anyone/anything to blame except myself, but I do it anyway) hope is such a dirty word.
Currently watching: Casino Royale
--
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Quality Waste of Time
Current mood: lethargic
Content Adbucted from LolaGirl
[ NOW ]
Current mood: existential and sleepy
Current music: Swedish Lounge Radio
Current taste: Orbit Lemon-Lime Chewing Gum
Current hair: Lazy with a high chance of pie-rats
Current clothes: Mauve thing with a zipper, light blue shirt, black slacks, and new balance sneakers(not stylish ones, but comfortable)
Current annoyance: being reminded of an impending visit ot the dentist
Current smell: books, lots of books :)
Current thing: overpriced uber cell phone lust
Current windows open: none. I am in the hermedically sealed library locked case
Current desktop picture: hell money
Current favorite band: Gomez
Current book: "The Basic Eight" for pleasure, and "Interactive Oral History Interviewing" for business.
Current cd in stereo: Humm...I usually just listen to stuff on the internet or computer and computer accessories, but the last CD I put in my CD player was Soul Coughing, El Oso
Current crush: Ol' Fuck Balls and for no good reason Jake
Current favorite celeb: Eddie Izzard!
[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: Not so much.
Do drugs?: Yes/No
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Giant Mushrooms and Anxiety Dreams
Remember your first love?: yes. why do I love sociopaths?
Still love him/her?: no
Read the newspaper?: NY Times and Online News, but only sometimes.
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yup.
Believe in miracles?: Yes/No
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: In that I am like a lobster.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: It takes different strokes to move the world.
Consider love a mistake?: No/Yes, kind of. I am good at being in love with ideas and not poeple, that sucks.
Like the taste of alcohol?: Some yes, some not anymore :(
Have a favorite candy?: Swedish Fish or Dark DARK Choclate
Believe in astrology?: Yes, see previous blogs.
Believe in magic?: I am really hung up on magicians, does that count?
Believe in god?: I believe in the sky.
Have any pets: Yes. My furry Man cat Man :)
Go to or plan to go to college: I have two very expensive peices of paper that say I already did that, twice.
Have any piercings?: nope
Have any tattoos?: not at the moment
Hate yourself: when I have time to think about it, yes
Have an obsession?: Lots I am pretty obessive/compulsive
Have a secret crush?: No but I could use one to obess over.
Have a best friend?: yes
Wish on stars?: I have, but it has been a while since I have been out to the desert to see any.
[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: yes
When did you lose your virginity?: I only misplaced it, but I know right where it is, getting all cob-webby and dusty on my shelf.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: No/Yes
Do you believe in "the one?": I thought that wasn't a very good movie.
Describe your ideal significant other: quirky, unique, a boderline mutant, perhaps an exeuctive transvestite, someone who will eat fresh octopus at a korean fish market with me.
[ETC]
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: yes. I wore a lot of layers.
Have you ever been intoxicated?: yes
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": I am always doing something. What the fuck does that mean, I don't like beating around the bush, get right to it and ask a real question!
Are you a tease?: I don't think so, but some of the sociopaths in my past might disagree
Shy to make the first move?: OH YEAH!
[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: frizzy, aburn, long, alomst always in a bun
Eyes: green
Height: 5'6"
[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: a ceasar salad for lunch today
Ate & Drank: a choclate milk and a toasted bagel with salmon cream cheese
Read: work e-mail and my space comments
Watched on TV: fell asleep to Casino Royal DVD
[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: Beer
drinks or shots: depends on the goal of the evening
cats or dogs: cat furry MAN cat :) if I could have a dog it would be a big shnuggly husky doggie uff uff.
single or taken: single like a dirty dolla
pen or pencil: spiderman pencils and irritaring yellow highlighter marker.
gloves or mittens: gloves, mittens feel funny
food or candy: isn't candy a type of food?
cassette or cd: I love my cassettes, but I am pretty attached to my music hard drive. I also really LOVE records.
coke or pepsi: if I have to choose coke, but I am not a big soda person
[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: I am pretty much down for peace, but i get in moods where my favorite phrase is "i'll kill you!"or feeling like I want to kill it and fuck it and fuck it and kill it.
get really wasted with: Melissa, we make fun art :)
look like: Greta Garbo not Lizzy Borden (google her, it's a little creepy)
avoid: fuds, puds, and all persons with bad intentions
[ LAST PERSON YOU.. ]
saw: guy who works at the desk in front of my office, but whose name I still can't remember
talked to on the phone: D
hugged: my monday night friends
instant messaged: Melissa
kissed: my Dad
[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: Yes, I think we already covered that.
Done drugs?: I am sticking with yes/no
Broken the law?: not recently I am a big spaz and authority makes me REALLY uneasy
Run away from home?: nope
Broken a bone?: nope
Played Truth Or Dare?: yes, but it was that lame girl talk game and I have other times all with limited and pretty much no fun results
Kissed someone you didn't know?: nope, but I have seen a lot of semi-anonmous penis...long story (at least in most cases..dun dun ching...untimante rim shot.)
Been in a fight?: Not physically, but I used to do a lot of screaming and yelling. I rarely won.
Come close to dying?: I choked on an ice cube when I was a baby, I dunno if that really counts, and one time I was in a car that alost rolled onto the freeway into on coming traffic, that is probibly the only official I almost died moment.
[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: a huge fucking mess with a lot of neat things to look at.
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: breakfast sandie and a mocha latte
Your favorite restaurant?: It's hard to pick depends on my mood, I love sushi and sandwich.
What's on your bedside table?: a lamp from my aunts house, my huge alarm clock that I have had forever, various remote controls, recent bills, a sponge bob squarepants magic eight ball toy, and an inhaler
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: yogurt or leftovers depending. I drink a lot of water.
What is your biggest fear?: vanishing
Describe your bed: the most frequently used place in my house
Spontaneous or plain?: half and half I am split down the middle
Do you know how to play poker?: enough to play when drunk or with elementary kids.
What do you carry with you at all times? most of the time wallet house keys cell phone digital music thingie chap stick and a pen, work days a big bag'o'crap books, paper, etc
How do you drive? alright I use my turn signal which is more then I can say for most people
What do you miss most about being little? a lot of things
Are you happy with your given name? yes
What color is your bedroom? white walls, natural wood trim, and crazy crap all over the place.
Have you ever been in a play? only on the crew. In the back in all black baby!
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? No, anynone can be annoying.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? Yeah, even if sometimes I don't want to be.
Currently reading: The Basic Eight: A Novel By Daniel Handler
--
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The trouble with natural red…..
Current mood: frustrated
I'm crazy it's like a visual pheromone or something. I just see it and boom starts the hang up, god I am such a mess, why can't my sponge bob eight ball straighten my life out once and for all?!
Currently listening: The Best of Bollywood
--
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Doing Nothing and Nothing Doin’
Current mood: lethargic
There was a fox walking around on campus the other day. I seemed to be the only person fazed by this. It was a fox walking west by the stadium in the middle of the afternoon. I am I the only one who is totally suburbananized and therefore a little freaked out when I see something that I have only previously seen in books or at the zoo walking down the street.
I feel pretty out of sorts today like I just want to curl up and take a nap under my desk, time is running backwards and I am so tired. My head is already telling me that it is Friday. I am having a hard time deviating from my plan which was run asunder because I was supposed to meet with someone this afternoon and they called in sick. I am feeling totally incapable of coming up with a back up plan. It's weird anti-social spring fever.
I had other deep thoughts earlier, but I can't seem to remember things between mouse clicks anymore. I am aching to feel productive, but only through the power of magic, not anything useful or tangible. I suppose that is part of this epic that I am trying to do something to feel like I am doing something. Idle hands and all…
Sigh…
Currently listening: Rogue's Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs, and Chanteys
--
Flashing Back to April 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Sad Times
Current mood: sad
R.I.P.
Richard Jeni
Sad Times.
Currently watching:
The Aristocrats
--
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Resentments at 22 Stone
Current mood:Who the Fuck Cares!
Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You, You're Cool, Fuck You I'm Out!
The dramatic answer....Happiness is a warm gun.
My answer....a #2 with a lemonaid.
I hate everyone, you can all eat my worthless shit. I'm so tired of how I set myself up for exactly this. I am like the ultimate house pet. Obident, housebroken, and enjoyed by children and the elderly. I am out of my fucking mind to think I am any better than this. It happens on ocasion anyway and there I am setting myself up for an empty walk home and a lot of time to not want to think, but do it anyway. Do I smack myslef, cut myself, if I trip or stub my toe on the curb I'll have proof that the sensation in my body isn't all in my head.
The name makes pins run up and down my spine, but if it showed up on my doorstep I'd still let it in. I hate myself that much and in some way or another I must enjoy the feeling that I blame on it, but is truly all my feeling, I made it, I choose to have it, and to never let it go.
I'm not worth it, the wreckage contains no sunken treasure, besides all it has to offer is abused and overgrown.
FUCK EVERYTHING!
Currently listening:
I Like It When You Die
By A.C.
Comments:
- Hellz Yeah FUKITOL! Posted by Melissa Merlot
- Is that like Midol? Posted by e
-The allusions make me think this is not abstract. So, in real terms, I totally understand it. Obedience, enjoyed by (but perhaps not understood or "real" to) others is a tough place to be. I relate to it in being someone who is often pretty capable, competent and doesn't ask for a lot of help. So, when I need help, I have constructed a world of people who are not the kind to help friends. They gravitate to the person who doesn't need because they aren't good givers. Then, when my need comes, I find that (by no real fault of their own) I have padded the world with bad givers and I crumple under the weight of my own inability to work through a problem unassisted. It is crippling and rejecting and makes me want to scrap all of my friendships and start over. The result, of course, being that I make the same friends time and time again. They just have different faces. So... it is me. It is my face that I put out, the one that says "I can handle it" mine and your too if need be that leads me to those moments of breakdown. I can change the faces on the people around me, retract from some, kindle new relationships but... there.... in the mirror... is the one I find most difficult to change.
It's like the moments when you catch yourself just completely being yourself, unself-conscious but aware, when you see clearly what you are with some objectivity... that person, I can't ever get into, can't talk to and can't convince that perhaps she would do well to do a little introspection, followed by a few small changes.
I adore you Erica. You are a brave person whom I admire.
xoxoxo
-karin
--
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Still 22 Stone
Current mood: weird
Things are so so, I have set my lists a side for the time being, I am pretty fucking busy, it is in a good way, that doesn't mean I am not still fighting crazy off with a stick at every turn. I miss my old job, but the new one holds a lot of oppertunities for me, but they are VERY different ones.
I am looking for a place to live, jeebus help me one of the places will call me back and not say "NO PETS!" , "K" Street maybe...
Bad news on the front of the moon and April fools day, I did blow a complete gasket, worse still somehow the boat could tell and called me twice the next day. I didn't answer, I can't....that doesn't mean I don't want to. D kept me strong, but in the immortal words of George Sr. on Arrested Development..."Daddy horny Michael..."
But the better answer is...."NO TOUCHING!"
It's never good to feel like Charlie Brown, let alone Charlie Brown punting with Lucy, YARGH!
Currently listening: Want By Rufus Wainwright
Sad Times
Current mood: sad
R.I.P.
Richard Jeni
Sad Times.
Currently watching:
The Aristocrats
--
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Resentments at 22 Stone
Current mood:Who the Fuck Cares!
Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You, You're Cool, Fuck You I'm Out!
The dramatic answer....Happiness is a warm gun.
My answer....a #2 with a lemonaid.
I hate everyone, you can all eat my worthless shit. I'm so tired of how I set myself up for exactly this. I am like the ultimate house pet. Obident, housebroken, and enjoyed by children and the elderly. I am out of my fucking mind to think I am any better than this. It happens on ocasion anyway and there I am setting myself up for an empty walk home and a lot of time to not want to think, but do it anyway. Do I smack myslef, cut myself, if I trip or stub my toe on the curb I'll have proof that the sensation in my body isn't all in my head.
The name makes pins run up and down my spine, but if it showed up on my doorstep I'd still let it in. I hate myself that much and in some way or another I must enjoy the feeling that I blame on it, but is truly all my feeling, I made it, I choose to have it, and to never let it go.
I'm not worth it, the wreckage contains no sunken treasure, besides all it has to offer is abused and overgrown.
FUCK EVERYTHING!
Currently listening:
I Like It When You Die
By A.C.
Comments:
- Hellz Yeah FUKITOL! Posted by Melissa Merlot
- Is that like Midol? Posted by e
-The allusions make me think this is not abstract. So, in real terms, I totally understand it. Obedience, enjoyed by (but perhaps not understood or "real" to) others is a tough place to be. I relate to it in being someone who is often pretty capable, competent and doesn't ask for a lot of help. So, when I need help, I have constructed a world of people who are not the kind to help friends. They gravitate to the person who doesn't need because they aren't good givers. Then, when my need comes, I find that (by no real fault of their own) I have padded the world with bad givers and I crumple under the weight of my own inability to work through a problem unassisted. It is crippling and rejecting and makes me want to scrap all of my friendships and start over. The result, of course, being that I make the same friends time and time again. They just have different faces. So... it is me. It is my face that I put out, the one that says "I can handle it" mine and your too if need be that leads me to those moments of breakdown. I can change the faces on the people around me, retract from some, kindle new relationships but... there.... in the mirror... is the one I find most difficult to change.
It's like the moments when you catch yourself just completely being yourself, unself-conscious but aware, when you see clearly what you are with some objectivity... that person, I can't ever get into, can't talk to and can't convince that perhaps she would do well to do a little introspection, followed by a few small changes.
I adore you Erica. You are a brave person whom I admire.
xoxoxo
-karin
--
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Still 22 Stone
Current mood: weird
Things are so so, I have set my lists a side for the time being, I am pretty fucking busy, it is in a good way, that doesn't mean I am not still fighting crazy off with a stick at every turn. I miss my old job, but the new one holds a lot of oppertunities for me, but they are VERY different ones.
I am looking for a place to live, jeebus help me one of the places will call me back and not say "NO PETS!" , "K" Street maybe...
Bad news on the front of the moon and April fools day, I did blow a complete gasket, worse still somehow the boat could tell and called me twice the next day. I didn't answer, I can't....that doesn't mean I don't want to. D kept me strong, but in the immortal words of George Sr. on Arrested Development..."Daddy horny Michael..."
But the better answer is...."NO TOUCHING!"
It's never good to feel like Charlie Brown, let alone Charlie Brown punting with Lucy, YARGH!
Currently listening: Want By Rufus Wainwright
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