No longer protected by Fife
Current mood:
crushed Don Knotts
R.I.P
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05 November 2009
Tu B'Shvat
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Zen, Potting Plants, and Being Hurt
Current mood: rejected
Wow that was quite a week last week, inside me anyway. Someone said to blame it on the moon, no one else had any advice. Today has had its better moments. I stopped to enjoy the moment at least a few times today and took the garbage out of my car, look at me taking care of me and being mindful, seesh. Yesterday was Tu B'Shvat, the Jewsih New Year for trees. My resolve was to re-pot all of the plants in my office, as they have all seen better days and were in need of some serious TLC. I just finished that task and I feel pretty good, it was so nice to get dirty and to give my time and focus to one thing. As for being hurt I can't deny that I am. I don't know if I have it in me to to get it out of me. A real catch 22 if there ever was one. Feeling so hurt makes me feel so selfconsious and weak, I am without the strength to see myself through the peril of this pain. Sometimes it comes back to the boat and hanging on, to being the wreckage, trying to blow myself ashore with the wind of huge furious hateful words, but they are so indirect that the person I am hoping will hear them doesn't even notice. I know somewhere inside myself anyway, that I can't wait for someone else, but when I try for myself I come back to the catch 22. I hope you know in even a small way that I am hurting, that you know the origin of my pain, maybe years from now when given the opertunity to evaluate yourself you will notice a hint of it in your life, in what you will be sharing with others then, still I am too indirect, but the closer I get to saying anything the more it just becomes a scream, profanity, fury. Really feeling with gusto is pure liquid hate, pain so painful that knowing it is not enough feeling it is not enough. Screaming, biting,spewing bile,until there is nothing left of me still wouldn't mend it. The zen of potting plants, the moment of such focused care, I hate myself too much to ask for it, but I need it so badly. My roots are so dry, the nutrients in my soil have been absorbed, I am wilting.
Currently listening:
Scent of LifeBy Akasha Project
Release date: 12 February, 1999
*hugs* I am so sorry some people are just so oblivious to others feelings. Don't feel weak though it takes strength to love someone. It also takes strength to reach out and open up to someone and I personally think maybe he is just not strong enough to see things the way they really are because he is afraid to deal with them. I know it is hard to be direct it is even harder when the person you are being indirect with doesn't wanna see things any other way than what they believe them to be. I wish I had some advice for you all I can say is blame it on fear. Fear limits us in everyway possible and it is a very hard thing to over come.
Posted by Melissa Merlot on Tuesday, February 14, 2006 - 11:36 PM
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A long, long time ago..
Thursday, December 29, 2005
The City by the Bay
Current mood:
cheerful Here I am the last day in the city by the bay, just saying that I am here! I miss all of you madly...still some more then others ...as some of you are father from both my haunts. I promise when I better recover from the church family vacation that I will post of the epic travels that I underwent. To all of you happy holidays and such and for some a new year soon. Speak, if not see you soon, all my dears. -e
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Scratchy Man Cash
Current mood:
giggly Dammit it made me laugh! As some of you may know I work my day job for the man as a care giver of the tiny children. The other day one of the kids came by my desk as he was leaving and I said bye ------- and he said bye SCRATCHY MAN CASH and smiled. No one else seemd to get it or care about it as I began to tell it to my co-workers, but it just tickled me I was giggeling all afternoon, I still think it is funny. I suppose it is a 'you just had to be there' moment, but scratchy man cash heh heh heh.... well that is all I had to say, wait, oh yeah, I thought it was so silly that I wrote it on a post-it and put it on my computer :) anyway bye (say it out loud to a friend) SCRATCHY MAN CASH!
-e
Currently listening:
Magical Moods of the Theremin
By Project: Pimento
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Releasing the 'Fuck' within Current mood:FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Important Steps to Release the 'Fuck' Within
Where is that book when I need it! I am so furious, I hate myself so much! Why can't I scream at the woman at the grocery store or spit on the people at the dolla movie who called me shamu?! Where is the mantra to tap the keg of fury? How can I harness the need to scream and break things? I'm choking on this feeling and I just want to go to my angry place and freak out! Just to clarify as I suddenly feel I need to as I am not quite in my rant groove yet, I am using 'fuck' as in man that guy over there is a real 'fuck', not as a verb. So you could say gee the person tailgaiting me on the freeway and flashing their brights at me is being a real 'fuck' that is what i mean and I now demand that you understand that! So I am having trouble releasing the 'fuck' with in! And here I thought I would have a big dissertation of the essence of my current being and the 'fuck' within, but instead I am just going to go and clean my fish tank and feel hurt deep inside myself because I can't be a 'fuck' and I am still going down with the boat.
'FUCK'
-e
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Track 5
Current mood:Radiohead-Pablo Honey
Return from the deep blue? well not really blue, but with a few fish and fake plants. FUCK YOU! That's right cleaning my fish tank didn't help me take my mind off the 'fuck' within or how truly disgusting I am. Dammit where is the zen. I'm just back on the boat and holding on tighter then ever. The guy who shit his pants is long gone and the boy took his mary jane and found better things to do. I don't even have the pear arrent to keep me faux company while I peel at my own skin to cook and eat and build a better me with it, that is if bigger is better, it is right? Sleepless nights under water do me no good either peddaling for excuses, caring less these days even if my typing is getting better (i didn't say spelling or gramma) FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am such a fool, a stupid lame 'fuck' . I never even looked at the boat I just got in and held on, and now I am to stupid, proud, ashamed to let go. Oh captian my fucking captian you got what you wanted and then sank the ship or were you a diver salvaging the wreckage of an already fucked over ship smacked all over the rocks, either way you got what you wanted. I suppose to me it was the boat despite the beyond disrepear state that it is in that I was looking at or mattered to me or fills my ideas head and FUCK YOU! feel that you shitty shit shit fucker FUCK YOU! Feel it dammit I'm so tired of being down here alone, I always have been FUCK!
Wow things are really taking a turn at this point perhaps better to breakout into a new post, also for reference 2006 was a pretty terrible year.
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