Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The vile truth of being touchable, ‘gifts’ of awareness, & wanting to cut my face off
Current mood:FAT & MAD
I am quite aware of my life at 22 stone!
(Thank you; NO I don't need any help remembering that)
* The vile truth of being touchable…my pursuit of human contact is so frequently beyond in vain. Duality comes back into play here, but it still feels so futile on both sides these days. One side, I fight them off at every turn, ache to be invisible. The other, I hold out futile hope that the contents of this wreckage is worth something, worth salvaging, that the contents has the ability to entice and romance. What this wreckage contains has no abilities it was only the ship that they were looking at and found never to be sea worthy. Here comes 'walking death'[?], how could I even consider procreating with that. NEXT!
* 'Gifts' of Awareness…If there ever was a gift of awareness I wish I had been given it was of my body when I was younger. Self-esteem. The abilities it had, the size, its overall capable nature. Instead I spent years wishing and dreaming about revenge beauty. That one day I would come back and show them all that I really was worth it, was perfect, and was dangerously confident. I didn't want a car when I was 16, I wanted liposuction. I would lay in my basement hidden from public gaze, and if my teenage wishes were granted the gaze of my family and watch TV. The perfect company, what I liked of it never judged me and I felt stellarly social without the chance that I might get caught fucking up. I remember laying on my back and looking at my stomach and thinking 'if only my stomach could look like this when I am standing up'.[?]The 'gift' I am talking about in this instance came years later and is still an infuriating bunch of horse shit! As I mention on occasion I have never been on a date (see previous blogs), but I have on occasion entered into fucked up situations with people that I have pretended might become relationships. One such saga lasted many years and has made for some choice self abuse material. "I am embarrassed to be seen with you.", this person said to me right before I was leaving to go to work and we had shared a bed the previous evening. I knew what they meant, and they went on to illustrate, "I worry about what people will think when they see me with you." Danger FAT girl in public! GROSS! I went to work that day and was more damaged then I had been in my life up to that point. I lacked the capacity to function, I had been truly broken. I trusted this person to be privy to more then a few otherwise dangerously private elements of myself and they chose to punctuate the sentence with, "I mean you could/should really loose some weight, I mean it would be good for you…" My personal contents is NOT news to me, I just naively thought that this person chose me and was enjoying me as I was. They saw me on multiple occasions naked with the lights on, in the shower, and well they just plain saw me and chose to be with me, I thought. I took this pain to my therapist at the time and she said something that beats on me to the day, "They gave you a gift…they have made you aware of your body…now you could loose something that you love if you don't loose weight…you should appreciate this person for giving you the gift of awareness." If this is a fucking gift (seeing as I walk around in this body everyday) I would like to exchange it; obviously I have lost the receipt.[?]
· Wanting to cut my face off…Lately I have been sitting around thinking about how I want to cut my face off. In one way what type of prosthetic I could make so I could slice my lip off and in the other way I am beyond frustration with some things and they make me want to cut my face off, you could still tell I am a woman, I have breasts.[?] The other day my brother was telling my dad about his day. He came to visit me at work and we went out to lunch. We went to Crown Burger.[?] ('You may be asking yourself why is she going to cut her face off over this?' it sounds like something that happens everyday) Yes I agree this is something that happens frequently. Folks meet up and go out to eat. It is the reaction that makes me want to cut off my face, "_____ eating at Crown Burger that is my nightmare!" What else can I say; I want to cut my face off. What I have felt many times over rolling around in my fathers head comes out of his mouth.
The wreckage is already underwater, I still don't understand how it caught fire, and why does it burn so long?
[?] 'walking death' is a phrase my FORMER therapist used to describe what people see when they see me. As I lamented my inability to make friends and meet new people, particularly in a romantic capacity.
[?] There should be more here about my relationship with my breasts, but that is for another blog.
[?] It is one thing to be called fat, ugly, shamu, 'careful she could sit on you', by complete strangers, but I chose to let this person in and they waited until they had put a down payment on the house to have it condemned. There is no way this is anything, but a gift of PAIN!
[?] Again further discussion about my breasts will be reserved for a later date.
[?] D, if you read this please don't be mad, this stuff is not your responsibility, I feel this way with or without this direct quote.
Currently reading:
The New Fuck You (Native Agents)
By Eileen Myles
Comments:
Well Put.
Posted by DeVanne
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thanks, I'm glad you understand
love,
e
Posted by e
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Not to be rude but your therapist needs a "gift of awareness" I can't believe she called you the walking dead. SCREW THAT! You are a wonderful and amazing person you can see so much more than just a shell which is what most people focus on is our shells. You know I have had men say that same thing to me the "I am embarrassed to be seen with you." FUCK THAT! So I am good in every other way as long as no one else knows about me and you never have to admit to me.
You are an artist and sadly that will disconnect you from the everyday stupid rat race which in the long run it is a plus but I do know how lonely it is. Burroughs called it the outsider's curse knowing how bad the inside is but still longing to be a part of it. Do what you want. If you wanna lose weight than do if you don't than don't. Don't let how others see you decide how you wanna look. I had a list of plastic surgery I wanted when I was 16 and a bank account to save up for it all. I changed my mind of course and I am very happy about it. Yes men still treat me like dirt sometimes but they do that to all of us pretty skinny big ugly it doesn't matter we are women and if we aren't what they have jacked off to a million times before or that girl from high school they never had a chance with they are gonna see us as wrong. You just need to find someone who is a deep thinker like you. I appreciate you so much and I totally trust your opinions on any creative level and I think your vision is a gift and you need to use it more. I want you to make art. My dad even asked me about that screenplay we were writing together because he liked the idea so much. We should finish it maybe make it a short and work in some new relationship woes hehehe. I love this saying and you should love it too. "Never piss off an Artist!" I love you and I think you are great the way you are.
Posted by Melissa Merlot
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thank you :)
I love you too :)
Posted by e
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Wow sorry that was kinda long. :p
Posted by Melissa Merlot
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Thursday, May 03, 2007
A Waste of Time
Current mood: blank
Content abducted from dipndot
1. If you were a color, which color would you be and what odd object would you want to be painted on?
ORANGE & EVERYTHING!
2. If you were an animal, which one would you be and would you want to be in a zoo?
Jellyfish & HELL NO!
3. What is one thing you can't end your day without?
Back in the day it was a quick diddle, these days it is a yogurt and the Simpsons.
4. You favorite thing to do on Saturday morning is...?
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP, NAP, man cat, & SLEEP
5. You hate this when you're in a restaurant and......?
I hate a lot of things…
6. You love it when a guy...?
Well apparently I love it when a guy is a sociopath. No umm I love it when a guy does my dishes.
7. Growing up you always wanted to....?
Be Spiderman & Wonderwoman
8. If you had the power, would you make the day longer or shorter? why?
Depends on the day. Some drag and some are just too damn short.
9. You would never date a guy who....?
Would I ever date a guy?
10. I would love to switch my life with....? why? (anyone other than your family or friends)
I dunno, lots of people look great on the outside, but their insides could be a total mess, I have enough of my own crap to deal with.
Currently listening:
Porgy and Bess
By Miles Davis
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Friday, May 04, 2007
Friday's Big 'ol Waste of Time
Current mood: okay
Abducted without permission from some lame place on the internet because none of my usual time wasters have posted anything lately.
What is your name? e
How old are you? 28, sigh
What are you wearing? Black slacks, a heather grey t-shirt, choco sandals
What did you last eat? A grapefruit
Where would you rather be right now? In bed with Eddie Izzard
What is your current occupation? Accidental Librarian
What would you rather be? A crazy artist, rock star, robot who lives in a hut and can fly
What's the worse job you've ever had? Working in a sweat shop, I only lasted one day
What is your biggest accomplishment this year? I got a new job
What car do you drive? A 1990 Honda Accord
What car would you rather drive? Motorcycle with side car and ride public transit
What's your current favorite song? Bouge De La
What concerts have you been to? Lots, you can inquire if you would like specifics, but I have definitely never seen Grant Lee Buffalo
Do you prefer rain or shine? RAIN!
What do you do on the weekend? Sleep, watch movies, laundry
What is the last movie you watched? On TV "Point Break" On the big screen "Hot Fuzz", both fucking awesome in their own way
What countries have you visited? Mexico and Canada, I know big whoop
Where would you like to go next? Europe, Japan, or French Canadia
What do you like to collect? Lots of stuff, I have a pretty good collection of plates from places I haven't been to
What TV show are you addicted to? CSI (only the original one)
Are you happy with your life? Less then I should be
What would you like to see changed? How I feel about myself and the time that I give myself to make art
What do you like most about the opposite sex? I dunno I'm not really hung up about that I either like them or I don't
What do you hate most about the opposite sex? I dunno I'm not really hung up about that I either like them or I don't
Would you go skinny dipping? YES! (It does depend on who is there and just how illegal it would be)
Would you play strip poker? Nah! I'm not really that interested in poker
Were you a cute baby? I dunno other people say I was
What's your favorite website to surf? Lately I been going to Juxtapoz pretty much everyday and I am frequently dicking around on my space
If you could change your name, what would it be? I like my name and this is too close to the end of the quiz for me to try too hard
What's the best part about being young? Being able to not have to give a shit, really long day dreaming sessions that don't get you fired, genuine hope
Currently listening:
Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By
By Lovage
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