July 2007 More of the same

Sunday, July 08, 2007
Walking Spanish Down the Hall
Current mood:22 Stone and Lonesome
I've got this sinking feeling of being given the bums rush in love. That’s a horrible fucking word; I really can't think what it means to me. I love froderick with all my heart, and my family god bless them even though it is complicated and they are crazy(not that I'm not), but I have these fucked up feelings...more then desire, not just lewd frenzy, genuine care and concern. Maybe I am having trouble separating them from my own feelings about myself... so much fear, so much uncertainty, so much self-loathing.
Does it come back to my Les Nessman tendencies as a kid, or that I just can't make up my mind about what side my bread is buttered on, is it that I will never be able to have that fucking space between my thighs when I stand up with my legs together (I know that sounds somewhat impossible, but if you have ever thought about it then you know what I am talking about).
My dream bear is just that, and maybe countless hours at the gym to look healthy, but really end up loosing 50lbs and still not looking healthy... why bother, I've felt better and I've felt worse and I've looked better and I've looked worse. Nothing has worked yet, when I was a little girl maybe nine or ten one of the kids in the neighborhood was yelling at me and teasing me, yes I was/am a big pussy and a sensitive kid, but nothing he said really bothered me until he said "you're so FAT!"
Wham! Not his fault, no ones fault I suppose, but shit like that hangs around, eats at me, and I let it. Crying because I want to be held, to be loved for who I am and then having to deal with those feelings and my stubborn ass nature. 'How did I get here?'

I love Abner Dean. I am constantly frustrated by my duality. If sleep is worth it I'll take some, if you think love is worth it I still have some.

corny and sleepy to the n-th

Currently reading:
Vagina Warriors
By Eve Ensler

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Monday, July 09, 2007

Money is the only option.
Current mood:Still 22 Stone
Being rich seems to be the solution, it probably isn't, but I'm in a shit pessimistic mood at the moment. I have a big stupid inflated head that seems to be the only thing that keeps me floating when I try to hang myself. I could be mad at John Hughes, but what would be the point, no one was ever coming, look at this glass I made it myself and it is so close to empty. I could go back to pity, but why throw stones into a dry lake...I think some people call that progress, maybe the most sense that this can make is to call it sorrow, I am not who I want, why would anyone else want me?

Currently watching:
Dead Man

Comment from Melissa Merlot: :( DUDE FUCK JOHN HUGHES!!! Look at what he did to redheads with a unnatural one! And you are really cool you have awesome taste in movies and tv shows and lots of interesting conversations. It is just hard to meet actually cool people when everyone just wants to be a socially acceptable hipster. I think I am really fun and I don't understand why no one likes me so sadly I can give no advice.