Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Inconsiderate Crazy Crap and Bloated Sacks of Bubo with Fistulae
Current mood: cynical
I.
It's that moment when you say something that makes everything uncomfortable. Looking at a cut right after it has happened and watching the blood bead up and run down your leg before really knowing what to do. A hand just as it reaches the slack of your breast and fingers find their way under the taught elastic of your bra. Itch of a lost sliver coming back to the surface of the skin.
II.
I want to have space, a goat, and a big dog; to keep bees and maybe pigeons are these goals too lofty. Can dreams like this only happen in Canada? Damn my duality, I want to be a gypsy-nomad with a place to call home. A sweet bear in my bed each night, one that will hold me, touch my face, and tell me not so many stupid things, but lots of stories. One that can be wild and passionate with me; an unstoppable fire, but also lights for their own passion and knows how to share.
III.
Will you bang me in a bathroom stall and still buy me dinner? Introduce me to your friends? Finger me in the movies and still want me to meet your parents? Be unashamed by finger puppets during sex?
I've got a train to catch.
Currently reading:
A Clockwork Orange
By Anthony Burgess
--
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Patton Oswalt and another Quality Waste of Time
Current mood: blah
Patton Oswalt is surprisingly patient with the POINTLESS QUESTIONS, I however am not! Here are more quality wastes of time stolen from the defunct 'Splendid' e-zine and you guessed it patiently answered by Patton Oswalt.
1. You can choose to have one -- and only one -- super power. Other than gaining that power, you remain exactly the same as you are now. What super power would you pick, and why?
The power to teleport like Nightcrawler, or my standard FLAME ON!
2. What was your favorite day job, and why? If you hated them all, what was the best (meaning most interesting) way you ever quit a job?
Up to this point it has to be working at Afterschool (pre Little Big 'J' times) I only worked in the afternoon, I got to play games and eat snack and drive around with a van full of kids, and I never worked weekends. True I worked for peanuts, but I'd do it again if I was a millionaire super robot artist that lived in a hut.
3. We've all heard variations on the phrase "there are two kinds of people in the world... Those who (do or think something) and those who (do or think something else)". What are the two kinds of people in the world for you?
There are two kinds of people in the world…those who talk about shitting and those who shit.
4. If money/ambition/significant others/et cetera were all non-issues, where would you choose to live and why?
Vancouver, CA, Seattle, someplace coastal cool and rainy.
5. You've been given the money and resources to produce a movie biography of the most significant, influential person in your life. Who's it about, what's the story, and who plays the central character?
Woo that's a hard one…It would be neat to see a good flick about William S. Burroughs (Sean William Scott), or Amelia Airheart (Jessica Simpson). I wouldn't mind another bio pic about Ed Wood, but Johnny Dep did a great job. I guess I'm not really answering this question, but whatever. I'd love to see an interview with Vincent D'Onofrio(he was only 20 when he worked with Kubrick in Full Metal Jacket!), or Annie Sprinkle(She is just overall amazing!). I'm a pretty big time voyeur so I love to hear stories, watch bio pics, read autobiographies, etc. And after all this blathering I realized who it would be…A full blown life story of Nan Goldin, she is amazing artist and has lived an incredible life, totally her, and she could be played by I dunno maybe Chloe Webb or an unknown of some sort.
6. Summarize your driving ability in 2 words or less.
Benign & Mostly-conscious
7. Why do your hands smell like that?
I put too much vinegar on my sandwich and I am eating at my desk.
8. You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?
Martin Denny!
9. What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?
Pockets are empty, I have the key to my office clipped on my belt and my bag is full of office crap, a sketchbook, my wallet, and cell phone.
10. You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?
Cheap something from a grocery store.
11. What was the last song you danced to? Who, if anyone, did you dance with?
I danced around my house yesterday to Robby Williams—Rude Box, by my self
12. When did you last make a mountain out of a molehill?
A few weeks ago and maybe last week-ish.
13. Post-Schwarzenegger, are there any high-profile people you'd like to see run for governor or other high office? Who and why?
Not really, anyone that I can think of who ran in Utah wouldn't win anyway.
14. Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?
Pork! I mean k'mon I am Hungarian and Polish what else would I want?!
15. You receive a series of e-mails stating that Grace Jones, Junior Brown, Missy Elliott, Ian MacKaye and Philip Glass are interested in a collaboration. How do you respond to each request? Yes, even if you're not a musician.
Grace Jones: Sure, how avant-garde. Junior Brown: I don't see our styles really meshing. Missy Elliott: Let's get our freak on! Ian McKaye: Hell yes! Philip Glass: Sure, I'm assuming it will really increase my snob street cred.
16. Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.
Dead body: yes. I've been to my fair share of LDS viewings and I was watching TV the other day and some show just put up all these images of cadavers. I also went to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago to see the sections of the body (RAD) and I am planning a trip to the Washington DC medical museum. Ghost: no.
17. What was the last book you read and hated? Why did you hate it?
The Complete Copyright and Liability Handbook for Librarians and Educators …do I really have to explain why I hated it?
18. Let's assume that God is a DJ. What's on his play list right now?
Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Herb Alpert and His Tijuana Brass
19. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Why?
Thom Tholen my art teacher. He was a bad ass and incredible artist.
20. What is your favorite Meg Ryan movie?
The Doors
21. What is your favorite "comfort food" when you're on tour?
Ginger ale on the plane ride and a good dirty breakfast from a greasy spoon
22. What essential item are you most likely to leave at home when you're heading out on tour?
My itinerary
23. What do you do about it?
Panic! Call my pop and have him read all the info to me over the phone or finally calm down and use the million dollar internet kiosk at the airport to look it up in my e-mail.
24. You wake up one morning and discover that you have dolphin telepathy. What do you do with it?
Hell yeah! I'm off to the coast bitches!
25. What wouldn't Jesus do?
Eat at Taco Bell.
26. What's the deal with those goddamn raccoons?
They were funny in The Great Outdoors, but now it is just getting played out. Oh yeah and one pissed on my brother and they usually have rabies.
27. What is the most awkward moment in which you have caught a person adjusting, scratching, or otherwise handling his or her own genitals?
I worked with this girl who said she had to go to the bathroom because her new clit piercing was really itching her and she needed to scratch it. Also there was someone there who was always trying to twist his penis off through his sweat pants.
28. Where do you think Osama Bin Laden is hiding...
Up Patton Oswalt's Ass
...And what would it take to get him to come out?
A stick of butter and some forceps
29. You're sitting in a pub when an errant dart from the games area strikes you in the leg. With the dart pointing out of your body, do you pull it out, shout for help or attack the jackass who hit you?
I pull it out and think to myself, what did I do now?! And I stare down at my leg wondering if I need to update my tetanus shot.
30. All of the old gods had really difficult names like Yog-Sothoth and Cthulu. Do you think they had a hard time getting laid because of it?
NO, they were fucking gods and had minions and shit. I'm sure they did just fine in the pussy department.
31. What is the strangest thing you've ever had for breakfast?
Cold Pork Sandwich
32. Which non-music related product (i.E. No instruments, microphones, etc.) would you most like to be a celebrity spokesperson for?
Coghlan's Bear Bell with Magnetic Silencer! Smartest thing EVER!
33. Describe the skankiest, sketchiest place -- whether it's someone's home or a hotel/motel room -- that you've stayed in while on tour.
There was this hotel in Colorado Springs. I don't quite remember the hotel being that bad, but it was old and crappy and we went to the only restaurant in walking distance which was this too pink sub shop that smelled like bleach. We had to have been the first customers, buying food anyway, in quite a while; I don't remember the food either just that the guy behind the counter was a wound up skinny little man with bloodshot eyes and yellow teeth. My father later lamented that that 'poor guy was really messed up on drugs'. I spent the rest of the trip worrying about him coming over to our hotel room.
34. If you had an army of super-intelligent lab mice to do your bidding, what evil deeds would you have them do?
Go places and just subtly move things around so that it never quite feels right. Ohh creepy. Perform secret contraception implantation on several people I know that don't need to be having any babies right now. Bring me the 7 secret herbs and spices form the Lehi Roller Mill. Rub my feet.
· · · · · · ·
Currently listening:
Werewolves and Lollipops
By Patton Oswalt
--
Friday, June 15, 2007
Friday's Quality Waste of Time---I'm going home to Central AIR!
Current mood: savage
Lola comes through for me after a bit of a dry spell with this thrilling stolen content...
The Girl survey - be truthful!
1. What color is your bra?
Gray…and not because it faded, it was gray when I bought it!
2. Do you prefer "sensitive boys" or "tough guys"?
I like someone who knows how to be genuine, so if they are really tough be tough or if they are really sensitive be sensitive, but I really dislike whiners.
3. Do you prefer blond or dark haired guys?
I have a real problem with red hair, did you know it is a mutation, GOD do I TOTALLY LOVE MUTANTS!
4. Have you broken anyone's heart?
Not that I am aware of.
5. Do you have a guy best friend?
Yurp. A lot of my close friend are and have been guys.
6. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A super star robot, artist, publisher who lives in a yurt on top of a building in Vancouver with my FURRY MAN CAT MAN, goat, bees, pigeons, and crazy garden.
7. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
On New Years Eve, but not in a sexy way
8. Who was the last person you hugged?
Still Firm Handshake
9. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes.
10. Have you ever thought about having plastic surgery?
Yes, I am lame.
11. Have you ever wanted someone, but you knew you couldn't ?
FUCK YEAH! Some part of me delights in the forbidden.
12. Do you like your life?
I should, but I just mope and complain most of the time.
13. Do you shop at Hollister?
NO! In fact I believe that I can say I have never set foot in this place you call Hollister.
14. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
Never really had one so NO. (Yeah yeah, you disagree huh, well then NO, but if they did they would have to fucking keep him)
15. Has one of your friends ever stabbed you in the back?
Yeah I sure have known some turds in my day
16. Do you forgive and forget?
I forgive them, but I never forgive myself. And I forget stuff, but not anything that might make me feel better, if it wasn't floating around in my head anymore.
17. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Mostly boys…girls scare me, and I just don't get it most of the time…except for Merlot
18. How long have you had myspace?
I dunno for a while.
19. Have you ever skipped school? When?
Only once, I went to class and I was the only one who showed up so my teacher demanded that I sluff so he could go home. I definitely regret not dicking around more in highschool. Damn my stupid relationship with authority and my personal duality!
20. Has anyone ever cheated on you?
Never quite had anyone, but there was the one time where all I got was the NOT KNOWING and that was enough!
21. Have you ever cheated on someone?
Nope.
22. What is one of your biggest fears?
People
23. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
yes
24. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
Yes
25. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
Isn't that was whats-his-face Johnny Greko says on that show, Cheaters?
26. What color are your underwear?
Magenta
27. Have you ever had a good feeling about something and it turned out you were right?
I use hope like crack and neither have a good outcome.
28. Have you ever slept, in the same bed with one of your best guy friends?
Yes.
29. What song are you listening to right now?
Folk Song for Cello by Savath & Savalas
30. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Yeah, but only in that Eric Carle or Adam Carolla way. Then of course there are my rock star dreams, but more on that some other time.
31. Do you ever wish you were a boy?
Not really, I think I just spent a lot of time wishing that I could do what boys get to do without being a boy.
32. Do you ever hear a song that reminds you of an ex and you?
Fucking Sting
33. Do you think any men will open this just because it's labeled "The Female Survey"?
Unlikely because I'm not labeling it that way and this is my blog and not a bulletin. I do have some MEN who subscribe to my blog, but I dunno if they will bother to read it, feh whatever.
Currently watching:
Dogma
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